My name is Joan. I do not know what cyanide smells like or how it looks but I do love perfumes and kisses. And just like cyanide... they can be deadly.

I do not normally watch television but I have been on house arrest for over a year or two now that I have recently taken amusement in catching up on Japanese anime and comedies. More than a month ago, I would sit and watch intently but now I just play them on the background when I am tired of listening to the radio. I can only stand listening to rock music although I appreciate a broad selection of music including classical instrumental/orchestra music. But being alone most of the times does not help and rock music can keep my blood alive and technically there's only one radio station I can stand listening to.

I have begun cutting flowers from the garden and placing them on empty glass bottles or mugs with water not merely for decoration but to create a more calming environment. Generally, our father designed our home that it has no homey touch to it. Our mother is not much of a decorator either. Function and utility has always been the prime importance for both our parents. There are too many flaws in the design and layout that I have been trying my hardest to create a more soothing ambiance. The front door is misplaced, I wish we had more windows or that they were bigger, or that the living room, dining room and kitchen are not in one room. And so all these explain the two improvised vases on my misplaced desk right now.

My father would kill me if he can. I brought down a long-forgotten round table that use to serve as a dining table and positioned it in our empty living room (we have been painting the place and moved out the living room set upstairs) close to the front door just so I can work and think better. I need good ventilation and a view to the outside world whenever I work. And because we don't have enough windows and proper lighting, I have four light bulbs on and the electric fan is facing straight at me.

I love almost everything Japanese. I am moving forward from having fallen in love with a 23-year-old Indian boy but I am in love with almost everything Japanese. I want to learn Nihonggo and speak as fast as those Japanese animated cartoon characters I watch but right now I think I will probably never get passed moshi-moshi, arigato gozaimasu or konichiwa.

My younger sister use to study Nihonggo and teach me words and phrases that I would get ecstatic whenever I catch the words spoken when I use watch Saiyuki Reload and Samurai X in Japanese (subtitled in English). They stopped airing animes in Japanese even on Animax and it has only been recently that I have seen any on television such as Full Metal Alchemist and, amazingly, even Samurai X.

A month ago, I finished watching 23 episodes of Neon Genesis Evangelion in Japanese with English translations. But I can hardly catch any of the phrases I use to be able to.

I miss sushi and peach blossoms. Not everyone will most likely be a fan of peach blossoms. It was first introduced to the family by my eldest sister who has been residing in Japan for about six years now when we had a family luncheon at Sakai Sushi and I simply fell in love with it at first taste.

I love Japanese Food that Chinese Food simply does not appeal to me. I love eating with chopsticks even if I am just eating cup-a-noodles at home. I love Japanese dining that I have learned to drink my soup from a bowl Japanese-style (only at home. Do not worry. I care about my table manners when dining out.)

I love Japanese Art as well that I am planning to re-paint my bedroom and paint a Japanese- inspired mural on all four walls.

I love Japanese so much that you should see the flowers I have on my desk.

(Alright... I'm probably going overboard now.)

I am wondering deep inside if I am loving Japanese so much simply because I am getting over an Indian guy and falling for his cousin who has no idea I am falling for him or that I exist in this planet.

The answer is, "No."

I have always loved Japanese that I have always wanted to visit the country especially on a March because that is when one can have the pleasure of experiencing the cherry blossoms - the Sakura.

Right next to my keyboard is a Sudoku book...

I love Japanese. It would be wonderful to be born Japanese. At the same time, I am glad I am not.