It is quite an interesting twist of Fate. You are on vacation... and my internet is sucking up besides the fact that certain things have come up that are preoccupying me. Most of all, if these things work out, the dreams I have long forgotten may begin to take shape.

(I am not supposed to be thinking this but I do think that you might be thinking I am so busy and also trying to avoid you. I am not avoiding you. I wish I could talk to you. I wish I could talk to you every night, every morning, every single day... I wish I could call you....... I WISH YOU WOULD CALL... But I know you to well...)

This is an exciting and yet scary time in my life. I wish I had you even just for a moment to share it all with... even just as a friend.

I want to drop a short message... even just a "hi". But I will not deny that I am scared. And so I will wait until better news has come. I know I once hated you but now, I truly want you to see the best I can be like you use to say you have wanted me to be.


P.S.
I still miss you and I wish one day you would write me and tell me the same.

My lesson for today... that perhaps you are nothing but simply a jerk.

I really expected more out of you.

But with how you treated me tonight, I feel like you have no respect for me at all. That didn't just hurt. It hit a spot.

You finally did it tonight.

If I could I would tell you that you've made me realize more than you can imagine. You may have hurt me but I've found my strength. Most of all, I know the difference between self-respect and ego. Don't ever try to use me because you can't. I never allowed you to in the past so what makes you think I would let you now?

But I won't waste a single word.

More than ever, I wished the best for you and you reduce me into... just another gal... or maybe less.

I am not just another gal. And with what you just did... I'm not ever gonna allow you to hurt me ever again.

Running to Two Hours

We're not a "we" anymore. I no longer feel the necessity of waiting for you. I can just shut this down and sleep peacefully.

I'm waiting only because you made a request. You should never make a girl wait when you've made an appointment even if she's not your girlfriend. First of all, she'll appreciate it. Second, people should respect each others Time.

Shower it Away

Let it go... Just let it go...

I woke up at 4am and could not go back to sleep. I have been resisting all night for a million or one reason. This morning, I finally gave way because I knew there was no chance of seeing you.

What I am trying to say is...

I got your note and your request. I wish you spelled right at least. It makes me feel unimportant, you know. On the other hand, why should I even concern myself with thinking of that. We broke up for a reason.

Among other things...

The Reason for Tonight

Tonight, I am tiring myself with my thoughts and typing away not because I want to tell the whole world who I am and what I am thinking. The truth is... there is this man a million miles away whom I think I still care about and wish I could speak to... But I am afraid that talking to him would end up with me getting hurt.

I have already been hurt a lot because of feeling a million things for him.

It is not cowardice.

The wounds are still fresh and no matter how strong I think I am or how capable I believe I am of the choice I have made to be strong, I know I am simply not ready to hear certain things...

I wish I could tell him all these. I wish I could tell him that I really want to talk to him like old times and catch up. But I still care too much. I still miss him at times. I still think of him a lot - more than I should. And so I think I am simply not ready to speak to him for a million or one reason.

If my words ever find there way to you, I hope you could know how much I want to speak with you. But I doubt if you feel the same way.

And for a million reasons, despite the fact that I know you... I almost doubt if I should even begin to think of speaking with you.

Someday... I wish you could manage to say to me even just a hi.

I was thinking to myself that if we truly believe in it and do all in our power to do so, we can start out fresh and re-create our lives the way we want it to be. But I remembered a million of people out there who are unlike me... Who, despite their youth and ambition, are tied down by their Fate.

Fate is such a big word and not all of us believe in it. It is, to me, one of the Paradoxes of Life.

Some people, no matter what they do, just cannot do anything about the way their lives are. Always, there is simply something that keeps them clawed down. Is it Fate? Or are they not doing enough?

I am not in their position. I have a good education. I have a name. My physically capable. If I truly believe I can achieve all I desire and do everything I can to achieve it, nothing should be able to stop me unless someone is better than I am.

Perhaps more people should think that way... including myself.

Green

By nature, I am silent but very intense. But for all the right reasons... I have chosen to favor this color now.

We do not completely change but there are things we can or that we should even if we do not want to because sooner or later, Life requires us to do so.

I am falling in love with a guy who does not even know me and perhaps does not even know I exist. And even if he is familiar with my existence, he probably cares the least. Yet... I am falling in love with him that I brighten up my room with flowers and the simple thought of him lights up my being and leaves a smile on my lips.

He does not know me or does not care. But I choose to love him because I cannot love the man I wish I could have loved.

My name is Joan. I do not know what cyanide smells like or how it looks but I do love perfumes and kisses. And just like cyanide... they can be deadly.

I do not normally watch television but I have been on house arrest for over a year or two now that I have recently taken amusement in catching up on Japanese anime and comedies. More than a month ago, I would sit and watch intently but now I just play them on the background when I am tired of listening to the radio. I can only stand listening to rock music although I appreciate a broad selection of music including classical instrumental/orchestra music. But being alone most of the times does not help and rock music can keep my blood alive and technically there's only one radio station I can stand listening to.

I have begun cutting flowers from the garden and placing them on empty glass bottles or mugs with water not merely for decoration but to create a more calming environment. Generally, our father designed our home that it has no homey touch to it. Our mother is not much of a decorator either. Function and utility has always been the prime importance for both our parents. There are too many flaws in the design and layout that I have been trying my hardest to create a more soothing ambiance. The front door is misplaced, I wish we had more windows or that they were bigger, or that the living room, dining room and kitchen are not in one room. And so all these explain the two improvised vases on my misplaced desk right now.

My father would kill me if he can. I brought down a long-forgotten round table that use to serve as a dining table and positioned it in our empty living room (we have been painting the place and moved out the living room set upstairs) close to the front door just so I can work and think better. I need good ventilation and a view to the outside world whenever I work. And because we don't have enough windows and proper lighting, I have four light bulbs on and the electric fan is facing straight at me.

I love almost everything Japanese. I am moving forward from having fallen in love with a 23-year-old Indian boy but I am in love with almost everything Japanese. I want to learn Nihonggo and speak as fast as those Japanese animated cartoon characters I watch but right now I think I will probably never get passed moshi-moshi, arigato gozaimasu or konichiwa.

My younger sister use to study Nihonggo and teach me words and phrases that I would get ecstatic whenever I catch the words spoken when I use watch Saiyuki Reload and Samurai X in Japanese (subtitled in English). They stopped airing animes in Japanese even on Animax and it has only been recently that I have seen any on television such as Full Metal Alchemist and, amazingly, even Samurai X.

A month ago, I finished watching 23 episodes of Neon Genesis Evangelion in Japanese with English translations. But I can hardly catch any of the phrases I use to be able to.

I miss sushi and peach blossoms. Not everyone will most likely be a fan of peach blossoms. It was first introduced to the family by my eldest sister who has been residing in Japan for about six years now when we had a family luncheon at Sakai Sushi and I simply fell in love with it at first taste.

I love Japanese Food that Chinese Food simply does not appeal to me. I love eating with chopsticks even if I am just eating cup-a-noodles at home. I love Japanese dining that I have learned to drink my soup from a bowl Japanese-style (only at home. Do not worry. I care about my table manners when dining out.)

I love Japanese Art as well that I am planning to re-paint my bedroom and paint a Japanese- inspired mural on all four walls.

I love Japanese so much that you should see the flowers I have on my desk.

(Alright... I'm probably going overboard now.)

I am wondering deep inside if I am loving Japanese so much simply because I am getting over an Indian guy and falling for his cousin who has no idea I am falling for him or that I exist in this planet.

The answer is, "No."

I have always loved Japanese that I have always wanted to visit the country especially on a March because that is when one can have the pleasure of experiencing the cherry blossoms - the Sakura.

Right next to my keyboard is a Sudoku book...

I love Japanese. It would be wonderful to be born Japanese. At the same time, I am glad I am not.