I know that I should just stop it. I know that I should not even make any more contact with you. I know that I should just forget you. I know that I should just let this all pass.
But tonight, just like that night on March when I first came back and decided to talk to you, I just want to write out everything I've been feeling and thinking and just vent out. Yeah... Just like that night on March when I first got back from my trip with the purpose of getting over you. I knew I still somehow had feelings and wasn't prepared to talk so I knew it wasn't the time to write or talk to you. But my sister wanted to get my computer and I was just so shocked and everything came crashing upon me. I knew that if she would take it, talking would simply be impossible.
And so I came online that night, waiting for you... God damn it. It was the only night we hadn't fought. The only night when you talked to me like a person not wanting anything from me. The only night you hadn't used me or thought of using me. I was hurt by a lot of things I found out and realized that night but I hid everything and made you believe I was alright and that it no longer mattered. I pretended even if deep inside I was crushed and crumbling.
You see, I've hurt a million times over again and again and all I've ever wanted since is not to hurt any longer.
That night, I believed everything was fine between the two of us and that you finally would see me for me after all that we've been through.
My sister hadn't taken the computer. But I kept my distance. At times, I would miss you. And one day I did and decided to talk to you. I left just when you got my buzz. You said you hoped we could talk. You asked me to come online the next day. You said you were leaving for home.
I was glad. Though I was cautious. But I knew that my heart was already still somewhere I wish it wasn't.
I came online and waited.
I waited so long that I was thinking of leaving.
I thought of leaving because I wanted to prove to myself that you did not matter.
And because one part of me didn't think I had and didn't care - or did not want to care.
Another part of me wanted to leave because it did not want to regret waiting. It did not want to regret just in case you were simply going to use me.
I planned to leave my computer on and go to sleep. I went out for some fresh air and when I came back to shut it down.... You were there and you just buzzed.
At first... the conversation was fine. Until finally... you started talking about the very thing I did not want to ever come up ever again in our conversations. You made me feel like a bitch. And that hurt me even more. It was enough that you tried to get me replaced. And still you had to hurt me by disrespecting me. I was angered. I was infuriated. I was hurt.
And the worst part is you left abruptly with little warning after making me feel so horrible about myself.
You made me wait. You made me come online to talk to you. I came online and waited because from our last conversation I believed we were going to be friends and I just wanted to be there as a friend. Instead you wanted me there as a bitch you could pass the time and hurt with.
And you had the nerve to just leave the conversation just like that.
It made me feel so empty. You made me realize how worthless and insignificant I was to you. You made me realize that I was someone whom you considered as one you could do anything with you and it won't matter. Maybe it does not matter to you that I'm hurt. But I am hurt and that should matter at least to some higher existence I hope. Most of the hurt is gone but just remembering still makes me cry.
I avoided you the next night. I did not want to talk to you. I was so angry. And I hated you so much. I spent the whole night and day thinking if I should bother saying anything to you about how I felt when I thought to myself that it matters the least to you.
When I felt that I would most likely not meet you online, I came online and wrote you a letter and told you exactly what I felt about what you did. Just when I sent it, you came online and buzzed me... shocked that I came so late just to avoid you.
You knew for yourself the truth but I did not want to admit it. So I simply said I was asleep and woke up and couldn't go back to sleep and in fact I just sent you an email.
I feel you pretended not to be getting my messages. And after a while, you said you had to go. I knew you had to. Your had to leave your place by 3AM, you said.
I had problems with my net and so even if I wanted to, I couldn't catch you online. Instead... I wrote you. I knew that even if you wanted to, you wouldn't write. And now that I think of it... maybe you never wanted to.
But I wrote. I wanted to know how you were. Besides the fact that I missed you.
You told me how bored you were and how you were looking forward to going back to work. This is the part I still don't get - you sent another mail saying you finally told that girl and she had the nerve not to respond at all.
I only told you that at least you had the courage to tell her and that you should have gone for a trip. And asked when you were returning to work since you hadn't answered the question in the previous mail.
You replied just to say you were back.
The following week, I was at my mom's place. I was tired from the trip that night I waited for you. You weren't exactly enthusiastic. I really couldn't tell. But you told me I could leave if I was tired. I expected more.
We had more time to talk the following day. It was the last time I would see you, too. And the first time you would see me without my glasses on ever.
You told me I was beautiful. And teased me that it might be the light. I know how crappy my light was back in my room in the big city.
They say men seldom call a woman beautiful. It was the first time you've said that. The first time you saw me, you did not say a word. Although I never really asked. Now that I think of it, perhaps it's because I never commented on you. I never called you cute or hot. And you use to complement my photos and would have to fish out for comments from me regarding your own. You've said I had a perfect smile and loved it... always asked for it. But most of the times you would call me hot. The worst thing to me was calling me a fuck piece. I hated you for that but I was insane to go on talking to you. That night you called me a fuck piece I saw the look in your eyes and I knew you were in love with me. You wanted me so much and never for a second insisted on it but you were just there watching me drunken by what you saw. Another night, that night before your trip to that damned resort, you used the word pretty.
They say men seldom call a woman beautiful and when they do it means they're really crazy over you.
That night you called me beautiful.
But I knew you weren't in love. You were a broken-hearted man using me once more and trying to use me as much as you could just to feel wanted. You believed there was someone else. You believed I was in love with someone and that I had totally moved on from you.
Would I have been talking to you if there was someone else...
Would I have been up at 2 in the morning to you, if I was in love with someone else...
But I still did not say a word. I simply said that it didn't mean there was someone else. And you were willing to do anything to make me think of anything or anyone just to make me let you use me. Or so I thought.
But that wasn't the only thing that bothered me.
That night you told me things that did not go with your mail.
That night, you told me other things that was not the same as what you've said from our last decent conversation when you told me about her, too.
That night you told me that you spoke to her on Sunday and that she patiently listened. You didn't tell me how it ended. You simply said that you use to go on breaks together but were now avoiding each other. I somehow knew about the breaks. But ignored it.
You told me that happened on a Sunday. You mailed me about talking to her before that Sunday.
I realized... you've never been truthful about a lot of things. I've realized that if you could have lied about details like that, there probably were a million other things that you lied about. I realized a lot of other things. Like that trip. Why you probably went on that trip. And why you were probably so happy to have returned from that trip. Remembering all that still hurts me even now. It still stabs me like a knife and sends my entire being shaking still. It still holds me by the neck and cuts my breathing short.
It is these things that make me want to slap you real hard and the fact that I cannot adds to frustration and pain.
The worst part was my net sucking up and we could hardly talk. And when I said goodbye, you said flat out with a smile that you thought we could do it tonight. I was shocked. And I was stupid enough to even stay and wait for a response when I asked you if you actually wanted that with what was happening.
You never replied. You never commented. You didn't even email back when I said I was going. You simply signed out.
The following day, I wasn't sure if I would talk to you. I didn't want to. My mind said not to. But my heart was desperate once more and clinging on stupidly.
And so I came. I thought I missed you. After a few minutes, you buzzed me.
It was the first time that you ever told me you needed a minute with me. And I knew something was up. I thought you would tell me that you wanted to finally end it all.
It was going to be worst.
You told me a video was sent out to your friends. I was shocked. I was shocked because I had my own topic and just when I was ready to shove it down your throat, you had to keep me silent. You said you would listen even if I didn't think you were ready for that. But I talked anyway. I talked you and you responded appropriately where you felt needed but all mechanically. Until finally you said you had to go and figure out whatever you had to figure out and you couldn't listen.
You said we would talk soon.
I did not have the courage to talk to you the next day. I didn't have the courage for anything. I was faced with a million things and that topped it all up more than anything like a cherry.
I had a feeling about what you would do.
And on Saturday afternoon... I would come online... and find it out.
It was never more painful finding out the actuality of something you already knew would happen.
It stabbed me straight into me heart and a silent cry came out of me that sapped out every bit of energy... every bit of life. You have no idea what you have done.
Eight months ago, I had the courage to do it myself and for some weird reason, some sort of "malfunction" in the system prevented it from actually happening. Something that I still could not understand. I have evidences to prove that I did it. And the following day, when I told you about it, when I was saying my goodbye... It just slapped me on the face right there that it did not happen.
Because of that... It led me to believe later on that perhaps we were meant to meet. It made me believe that we weren't supposed to end things then. It made me believe that something was bound to be and that we... were we... that it is us.
After three months of trying to breakaway from you, the whole time I was afraid to do it again because I knew whatever "malfunction" there was before wouldn't happen again.
The moment I found out what you did... the fact that you did it without a word... without even saying goodbye... did something to me that you... you should find out one day. Even at this moment... After twenty days since... it still manages to hurt me and make me cry.
I wrote you after that. It took you an hour to respond. I didn't mention what I've discovered. You never mentioned a word. You were brief... and I felt that you did your best to be detached without being too hurtful.
And I knew.
I told you I wanted to talk. You never made a comment. I waited a week or two. I never heard from you.
I was angry that you took me out just like that. As if taking me out like that would deny that you have done anything.
And I knew.
I don't know why I miss you. I don't know why even if I have a million reasons to hate you and despise you... I'm here feeling and thinking this way.
All I know is that if you are the one least bit happy about your life, I deserve to be happy, too. All I know is that if you no longer think of me or feel me, I deserve to be freed from all these, too.
Gautam... I loved you and I believe that at one point you loved me, too. But you've said it yourself that it's not going to work and I believed that, too. How come I'm still stuck in this... Why don't cupid just free me as much as he has freed you...
I've told myself that one day, I would wake up and the whole day would go by without a single thought of you.
Things still come before me and send me into a stream of consciousness reminding of things you've said or things we've done. And those moments make me wonder if you ever remember me when you see the color pink or when you see cute girls with tiny eyes like mine.
I'm not supposed to be here. I should have left 30 minutes ago. I have some place to go. Some place to be. And people won't be waiting for me. I should be packing right now at this instant.
But I don't know when I could write. And I'm feeling awful. I wish you could hear me. I wish I could send out this message in a bottle and the sea would send it drifting straight to you.
There are men. But I want a man who will stay not tonight. Not till the sun rise. But one who will stay till all my hair turns white and Time has passed me by.
When you told me you wanted to see the world with me... I believed you. I wanted to see the rest of my life with you.
I'm not supposed to be here writing or crying.
But I'll let these tears flow and let all these secrets come out.
One of these days I will either be dead. Or perhaps the right man who has the courage to fight against all odds and take care of all my love would finally come my way and sweep me off my feet.
Either way, before either of the two happens, I hope you will find out.
Everything in my last email to you is true. I wasn't supposed to talk to you. A big part of me no longer wanted you. A big part of me has managed to move on and realize how beautiful life can still be without you. And I did all that without finding someone else to love.
What I didn't say was that I really wanted to talk. But I wanted you to tell me that you wanted to talk. You never said that. And I've concluded you no longer wanted me in your life. And I believed that.
Today, if we did talk, I don't even know what I would tell you. I don't even know what I would say if I would write you. And so I can't even bring myself to write. I am void of words. I wouldn't know what to say. And I'm not sure I would want you back.
If you never took care of me then... How can I believe you would care for me now.
There are a million reasons why death would be the sweetest thing for me at this moment. It may come. I desire it so much at this moment that I believe it would come. But you would not be the reason. Neither would it be of Love. There's no point for me to say goodbye to anyone really. Except to say good bye to those who aren't the reasons for it. You would be one. And another would be whom I've told you to be my best friend.
I no longer check any of my contact information that you know of. You never called me... Why would you call to say goodbye to someone who wants to die.
I would have called you. Or left you a message. Perhaps if you deserve to know... this message will find it's way to you.
I loved you. A part of me still feels that love. I will never understand it. I will probably never know why.
Good bye, Gautam. I need to go. I should go. And if there's anything else left unsaid that I wish to be spoken, perhaps Time will allow me to do so or perhaps I would write about it on a piece of paper and it would find it's way to you.
All I know at this moment, though I don't understand it, is that I love you... with all the Love I have ever had for you. And saying so frees me. Tomorrow may be different. A few hours I may not care. But at this moment, I remember. And it's true.
I should go now.
